Thursday, 17 August 2017

My Top ∞ Radio Songs #15: The Saturday Boy

My first job then: answering the phones and making coffee on the Saturday morning show, 9 till 12.

A few things to say about that. First the phones. Nowadays, presenters can operate the switchboard from the same desk they drive the music and mics. Back then, the switchboard was in another room, grandly monickered MCR... no, not My Chemical Romance, but Master Control Room. Which makes it sound like something out of a Bond film... when actually, it was far more Thunderbirds.

I will talk about answering the phone in much more detail soon, since it became a big part of my job when I started working on the late night Phone-In show. I will also talk about MCR in much more detail, since I spent quite a bit of time in there over the years... just me and the ghost. (Oh yes, we will talk about the ghost.) I may even dig out some old photos from the attic to give you more of a flavour of the place. Orange hessian is all you're getting today.

That first switchboard didn't last long. I suspect by 1988, it'd served its time well. It may even have been in there since the station opened in '75. Big clunky buttons you had to force down with your thumb to put the caller on hold. Tiny red flashing LEDs. A phone with a long, long cord. Yes, kids, phones used to have cords. You don't know you're born. It was soon replaced by an ultra-modern white plastic one with both red AND green LEDs. The future truly arrived once I started working in radio.

And then the coffee. I'm not sure I'd ever made anyone coffee before I started working in radio. I'd certainly never drunk it. Although my dad, in later years, became quite the coffee aficionado, I don't remember him drinking when I was a kid, and my mum certainly didn't. We were a house of tea drinkers. How the hell was I supposed to make coffee? I remember the girl who I was replacing had to show me that. Boil the kettle. A spoonful of Nescafe. Powdered milk. Stir it or the bits won't dissolve. Eventually the station got a fridge and real milk. That made my job so much easier. And when the vending machine arrived... well, for a while I thought it was going to make me redundant. I had tremendous sympathy for the Luddites, smashing those looms. How we all marvelled at the vending machine. It even had a button for Beef Tea! 

(Don't. Just don't. Gravy: yes. Beef Tea: never. Bovril, this was not.)

I didn't drink coffee till I started working in radio. It was working nights that got me started. I didn't drink alcohol either. I know, pretty unusual for a 16 year old, even in 1988, but I was stubborn. If I saw all my mates running towards something, I ran the opposite way just to be contrary. Remember, I was the kid who steadfastly refused to get into The Smiths, just because my mate kept telling me I'd love them. 

The alcohol came later as well.

In 1988, I was in that weird hinterland between childhood and adulthood. (Of course, when I look at the average 16 year old now, I realise how far away adulthood really was. At 45... I'm still waiting.) Coffee, alcohol, scenes of a sexual nature... all these things lay ahead of me. And radio would give them all to me... and not, on the whole, for the best.

The clearest memory I have of this being a major crossroads in my life was the Saturday morning I had to go into work late because I had a piano exam. (The jock forgot I'd told him the week before I was going to be late, so the first half hour of his show was, "Where the hell is Rol?") It's weird though... In my memory, piano lessons were something I did as a kid. Radio was something I did as an adult. But there was a time when both existed simultaneously. Hard to comprehend now.

15. The Loose Salute - Turn Your Radio Up

It's also hard to comprehend Slowdive & Mojave 3 drummer Ian McCutcheon forming a band that sounds like The Loose Salute: jangly West Coast Americana and quite lovely too.

Wednesday, 16 August 2017

My Top Ten Elvis Songs

One of my earliest memories is of my mum crying as she closed the living room door, leaving me in the kitchen wondering why. That was 40 years ago today. I was five years old and I'm not sure I knew who Elvis was, but it wasn't long before I found out.

This memory is significant to me for many reasons, but mainly because (as I've mentioned before) my parents come from the generation pre-rock 'n' roll. Born in the late 1920s, the music of their teens was Frank Sinatra and Glenn Miller. My mum would be 28 by the time Elvis had his first UK hit, and 28 was at least 38 back then. Rock 'n' roll didn't pass my parents by, they just never tried to catch it. Why would they? It was music aimed at teenagers, made by people a lot younger than them. But Elvis dying still made my mum cry, because he was bigger than any star we could imagine today. He was beyond a legend. And though there will no doubt be a lot written today about how he stole rock 'n' roll and turned it white, about how Colonel Tom stopped his reaching his true potential, about how he grew old and bloated and lonely and tragic... even though he was only 42 when he died... I prefer to remember the good, because it far outweighs the bad.

When I started raiding my sister's record collection, one of the albums I listened to a lot was this...

When I started buying albums myself, it didn't take me long to pick up this...

A few years later, I splashed out on these three box sets...

...and each time, I played them to death. Far more than I'd listen to any new purchase these days.

All that said, the idea of picking only ten Elvis songs seems beyond daunting. Let's give it ago anyway...

10. Party

The only Elvis song I've ever performed in public.

Back in high school, I liked to tread the boards a little. Our most memorable production was a comedy pantomime of Robin Hood. Of course, I wanted to play Robin... but I ended up as Little John. I was never fated to be a dashing, romantic lead. My mate Simon got Robin, some 8 years after he beat me to the title role in our junior school production of Tom Sawyer (I played Huckleberry Finn: arguably the better role, but not the one with his name on the programme).

Anyway, the best bit about getting to play Little John was that I got to close the first act with a musical number, singing Party by Elvis. (I know: why wasn't this on the soundtrack of the Kevin Costner film? So much better than Bryan Adams.) It wasn't an Elvis number I knew at the time, and it's from his least-celebrated phase - those duff movies Colonel Tom kept getting him to make in the 60s - but it always brings back happy memories. I didn't actually sing it live - our teacher / director just played the song out over the speakers and I did my best Top of the Pops-style mime over the top. I did sing... you just couldn't hear me over Elvis. Which was probably for the best. Particularly as this was pre-internet and lyrics sheets were hard to come by on Elvis albums. But when I wasn't sure of the words, I just lapsed into my well-honed Elvis mumble. Actually, having checked out the original Wanda Jackson lyrics online, I'm not sure Elvis knew them that well either. He still made them work.

Of course, none of this made up for missing out on the chance to snog Maid Marian... or go out with her, after the show was done, for the next 6 months, as Simon did.  But... at least I had Elvis.

9. An American Trilogy

The Vegas years are much-mocked.

Because people are idiots.

Elvis sweat bullets and blood up on that stage, and turned these old Civil War tunes into operas.

8. Always On My Mind

Yeah, the Pet Shop Boys cover is pretty amazing. But just listen to this again. I mean, really listen to it. My god, it's perfect.

7. Jailhouse Rock

 Look in the dictionary under rock 'n' roll: there should be a link to this song.

6. Suspicious Minds

Following his career-saving '68 Comeback TV special, Elvis returned to the studio to record some of his most affecting songs. Three of the songs on this list were recorded in that session, another (Don't Cry, Daddy) narrowly missed out. There was magic in Memphis that day.

5. In The Ghetto

Of course, there's an irony about one of the richest and most successful men in the world recording a song about ghetto poverty... but this is hardly Another Day In Paradise. It's all down to the performance. To sing a song like this, you need sincerity. Elvis had sincerity by the bucketload and it wasn't an act.

4. Heartbreak Hotel

One of the first Elvis songs I loved, from his earliest days in the studio. We all like to think of rock 'n' roll as being about cadillacs and bobby socks, milkshakes, bubble gum and jukeboxes. Here's one about depression and suicide, and a rock song where the primary instrument is not the guitar, but Elvis's voice. Sends shivers down my spine, every time I hear it.

3. Kentucky Rain

Written and originally recorded by 70s country star Eddie Rabbit, this one just breaks me up every time I hear it. Elvis at his most devastating.

2. Guitar Man

I probably came to this via the Jesus & Mary Chain version. Which is truly excellent... but can't quite match the original.

The alternative take above (which was on the 60s box set) which switches into the song What'd I Say at the end, was apparently Elvis's preferred version as he was never happy with the single as released.

1. (Marie's The Name) His Latest Flame

Why this one song, above all others? Primarily, it's the sound. An upbeat (Bo Diddley-inspired) backing track and intense vocals, masking a tale of heartbreak... much as the hero of the song hides his own feelings from the friend who's unknowingly copped off his with ex. A classic Doc Pomus lyrical conceit. (I have Ben Folds & Nick Hornby to thank for my mild Doc Pomus obsession: he led a sad, if interesting life.)

And then came Johnny Marr and Morrissey, making this song even more essential...

Elvis Aaron Presley. 40 years gone: never forgotten
Which is your crowning moment from The King?

Oh, and I just remembered this... My Top Ten Songs About Elvis. Worth another plug.

Tuesday, 15 August 2017

New Entry: Tense, Nervous Jason?

You'd be forgiven for thinking that the new Jason Isbell album continues down the same alt-country path as his previous record (one of the best albums of 2015), Something More Than Free. He has, after all, called the new one The Nashville Sound... I mean, you don't get more country than that, right?

Imagine your surprise then, when you discover that Isbell has chosen instead to craft a flawless ROCK album, still country flavoure, but with a heart of SOLID ROCK. And that heart is Anxiety, the 7 minute lynchpin that holds the whole record together. Make no mistake, this song is a BEAST. It is ROCK that DEMANDS CAPITAL LETTERS. Even though the majority of it is a mid-tempo country song, it's bookended by power chords that will rattle your speakers and make your heart jump out of your chest. Nobody's done something so interesting - and apt - with the whole loud-quiet-loud mix since Kurt Cobain compared his libido to a mosquito. Very appropriate for a song on this particular subject...
Why am I never where I am supposed to be?
Even with my lover sleeping close to me
I'm wide awake and I'm in pain
Anxiety is a weird thing. I can stand up in front of a class of 30 strangers and feel supremely at ease. Other situations though, much smaller things, can make me feel panicky and desperate. And as most of us know, there's nothing worse than the anxiety that hits you in the middle of the night. I've talked about that before. Time to seek out The Peace Of Wild Things... 


Sunday, 13 August 2017

My Top 90 Midlife Crisis Songs #1: Forever Young

Here comes another new feature (this was "How I Spent My Summer Vacation")...

Having turned 45 earlier this year, I straight away went out and bought myself a Lamborghini, chatted up the 18 year old on the Tesco checkout, and started using Just For Men on my sideburns. OK, I didn't do any of those things: but I did stare down the ever-darkening tunnel of my own mortality and wonder if I could hear any songs there. (Actually, something I did do was book myself in at the Ear, Nose & Throat clinic to finally get myself checked for a hearing aid. The songs do keep getting quieter.)

Anyway, I decided to start featuring some of my favourite songs about getting older. Will I get to 90? Well, that's the question every 45 year old must ponder...

For those of you who think I'm still a whippersnapper at 45, I'm starting with Neil Young. Recorded in 1972 when I was just getting born and Neil was 27 (despite pretending that he's still 24 in the lyrics: he was lying about his age even before he hit 30!). Having just spent his riches on a huge ranch in the country, he wrote this song for the old caretaker who asked him how such a young fellow could afford such a place. "Just lucky, I guess," was Neil's response...
Old man take a look at my life
I'm a lot like you
I need someone to love me
The whole day through
Ah, one look in my eyes
And you can tell that's true.
James Taylor and Linda Ronstadt are kicking around in the background of this song, but those two pretty much lived in the recording studio in the early 70s.

This series will get more personal as it goes along. You may want to look away now.

Thursday, 10 August 2017

The Glorious 10th


This is my new monthly feature, stolen  from the guys at WYCRA who aren't using it anymore (with respect and the encouragement of a number of former WYCRA readers).

Following on from my WYCRA tribute Top Ten Goodbye Songs, the most obvious place to start was with My Top Ten Hello Songs.

I decided to do this once a month, and it made sense to do it on the 10th day of every month, hence 'The Glorious 10th'. So you have up till the 10th of September (or just before) to leave your suggestions.

Here are the rules...

1. You can suggest as many songs as you like that are called Hello, but they have to be called JUST Hello and nothing else... so you can't have Hello Goodbye or Hello, I Love You, and you can't have songs that feature Hello prominently in the lyrics, such as Pop Song '89 by REM. Sorry.

2. There are a few exceptions to Rule 1. You are allowed a repetition of the title word: so if you know any songs called Hello Hello or Hello Hello Hello, you can suggest them. You are also allowed songs which included parentheses: so if you know a song called Hello (I Hate You) or (I Just Called To Say) Hello, they would be allowed too... as long as every other word in the title is inside the brackets. I will also allow plurals: Hellos; and punctuation: Hello!? Chances are none of these rules will help you this time, but they may in future. Mis-spellings probably won't be allowed unless I really, really like the song. Sorry, Noddy.

3. If there are a number of versions of the same song, I may not pick the original. If you guess the right song but not the right artist, you'll get half marks (1 for first to guess, half for everyone else).

4. You will be allowed a maximum of 10 guesses, since I only have ten songs. I'll count your first 10, after that no points will be awarded.

5. Points will be awarded thus:
  • 1 point for every song in my Top Ten you correctly guess.
  • 2 points for being the first person to guess that song.
  • 3 points for guessing the song's position in my Top Ten.
  • 5 points for guessing my Number One song and correctly identifying it as such.
  • 1 bonus point for any song I have in my collection which I couldn't squeeze into the Top Ten.
  • 1 bonus point for any new songs you suggest which I like.
  • Points will be deducted for really bad suggestions (i.e. U2).

Over to you...







4. If anybody gets Number 4, I'll give you 10 points.




Good luck.

Here's the best song that wasn't allowed...

And finally, just in case there was any doubt about it: yes, I will go there.

Hello, I must be going...

P.S. I just noticed that Jez finally brought The Chain late last night. Must be something in the air.

Wednesday, 9 August 2017

My Top Ten Glen Campbell Songs

I'm not sure I can do Glen Campbell justice. I'll let his good friend, songwriting God Jimmy Webb, say it for me...

"One of [Glen's] favourite songs was “Try A Little Kindness” in which he sings “shine your light on everyone you see.” My God. Did he do that or what? Just thinking back I believe suddenly that the “raison d’etre” for every Glen Campbell show was to bring every suffering soul within the sound of his voice up a peg or two. Leave ’em laughin.’ Leave them feeling just a little tad better about themselves; even though he might have to make them cry a couple of times to get ’em there. What a majestically graceful and kind, top rate performer was Glen on his worst night!"

I was lucky enough to see Glen Campbell play live on his farewell tour in 2011.It wasn't his worst night, but it could hardly be described as his best. He forgot a few lines, fumbled a few guitar chords. The illness was obviously affecting him. Yet it was still one of the most powerful and memorable performances I've ever had the privilege to see. At the end, he got a standing ovation... and there were tears in all our eyes.

There will be a lot written today about Glen Campbell's contribution to popular music. Not just the big hits, but his guitar work for the Beach Boys, the Monkees, Elvis et al. (Although don't let anyone tell you Glen played guitar on Viva Las Vegas: it's a myth.) There's very little I can add, except to say that whenever I heard a Glen Campbell song, I feel a little better. And whenever I hear the ones listed below... I feel a hell of a lot better.

(Oh, and if you're still in any doubt about Glen Campbell's importance in popular music... here's Alice Cooper. Yes, Alice Cooper.)

10. Country Boy (You Got Your Feet In L.A.)

I didn't pay a lot of attention to this song until I saw Glen play it live. It obviously meant a hell of a lot to him and that performance made me hear the lyrics properly for the first time.

I'm a country boy myself. I grew up on a farm. There's a part of me that would happily spend all day in the fields... minus the manual labour, of course.

9.  A Thousand Lifetimes

Glen's most-loved songs were all written by other people. Like Elvis, it was his voice, his performance, that brought untold depths to those songs. Plus he was an amazing guitar player - that was still evident when I saw him live. He did write and co-write a number of his own songs though, and this is my favourite, from one of his most recent albums, Ghost On The Canvas. Co-written with his producer, Julian Raymond, it's a song that expresses Glen's fears of living with the illness that blighted his final years, but it also cries "je ne regrette rien" in the face of all that. As powerful in its own way as the latter Johnny Cash recordings.

I've held onto coal in my bare hands, prayin' for diamonds
I've trusted in the words that to my face turned out were lying
I've trapped and I have tripped and I have loved and I've abandoned
Each breath I take is a gift that I will never take for granted

8. Dreams of the Everyday Housewife

There are plenty of country songs about women getting older, losing their girlish charms, and wondering whether they ended up with the right man. They're normally sung (and even written) by women though. Chris Gantry's song manages to find a male perspective that is both loving and respectful though. Glen's performance makes it shine.

She picks up her apron in little girl-fashion
As something comes into her mind
Slowly starts dancing remembering her girlhood
And all of the boys she had waiting in line
Oh, such are the dreams of the everyday housewife
You see everywhere any time of the day
An everyday housewife who gave up the good life for me

7. These Days

In his later years, Glen tried to connect with younger audiences by recording songs by contemporary artists. Although not as successful at this as Johnny Cash, there were some outstanding results, including Green Day's Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life) and Foo Fighters' Times Like These. But it was his cover of Jackson Browne's These Days which stood out most for me. Not the most up-to-date tune from the set; it was written when Browne was 16... back in 1967. The lyrics take on much greater depth when sung by someone nearing the end of their life.

I stopped my rambling
I don't do too much gambling these days
These days
These days I seem to think about
How all the changes came about my way
And I wonder if I'll see another

Interestingly, the verse above is missing from Browne's recording. It did feature on Nico's version though.

6. Where's The Playground, Susie?

More epic heartbreak from Jimmy Webb, close in its lyrical ambiguity to McArthur Park. Glen's voice was made for heartbreak in the same way as Roy Orbison's.

5. Galveston

A song as misunderstood as Born In The USA, according to Jimmy Webb. Originally written with a much sadder tune, Glen turned it upbeat, making it seem almost patriotic... rather than the homesick fears reflected by the soldier in Webb's lyrics. The switch works though. For me, this guy is doing whatever he can to survive. It's still an anti-war protest song... it just doesn't hit you over the head with its message.

4. By The Time I Get To Phoenix

Glen leaves his lady and crosses the country to get away from her... feeling bad about it all the way.

Pedants ahoy! Jimmy Webb was challenged about how realistic the journey described in this song's lyrics actually was...

 "A guy approached me one night after a concert [...] and he showed me how it was impossible for me to drive from L.A. to Phoenix, and then how far it was to Albuquerque. In short, he told me, 'This song is impossible.' And so it is. It's a kind of fantasy about something I wish I would have done, and it sort of takes place in a twilight zone of reality."

Iffypedia, however, sides with Jimmy (while disputing his above claim)...

"However, the drive is actually possible. If she "rises" at 6:00 a.m. when he is in Phoenix, and she eats lunch at 12:30 p.m. when he is in Albuquerque, it gives him six and one-half hours to make the 420-mile drive, an average of 65 mph. The drive from Albuquerque to Oklahoma is just 340 miles, giving her plenty of time to get home and go to sleep."

Talk about taking the romance out of a song...

3. Gentle On My Mind

I think I knew Elvis's version of this song first, and that is amazing... but Glen's is superior. It's a desperately sad song if you study the lyrics, but the light guitar refrain makes it sound carefree and joyous. It's a weird song in search of a chorus: I always feel an urge to break into the much bigger chorus of Don MacLean's Castles In The Air whenever I sing along.

Watch the clip above if you're in any doubt about Glen's skills with the guitar.

2. Rhinestone Cowboy

I'm not sure how the wider world sees Rhinestone Cowboy. It is the most well-known Glen Campbell song, but it's viewed by many as a country cliché and isn't afforded half as much respect in muso circles as my number one. Written by Larry Weiss, the man who also penned the lyrics to the similarly themed Hi Ho Silver Lining, it's a song about not giving up and making the most of whatever success that comes your way.

And I dream of the things I'll do
With a subway token and a dollar tucked inside my shoe
There'll be a load of compromisin'
On the road to my horizon
But I'm gonna be where the lights are shinin' on me

1. Wichita Lineman

The greatest song ever written, given its best ever performance. That opening guitar countdown sends shivers down my spine every time.

I've written about how much Wichita Lineman means to me before... here and here... I'm sure I will again. Jimmy Webb + Glen Campbell = Perfection.

I hear you singing in the wire
I can hear you thru the whine
And the Wichita lineman
Is still on the line...

Rest in peace, sir. Thank you for the music.

Tuesday, 8 August 2017

My Top ∞ Radio Songs #14: My First Boss - No Static At All

My first boss may have damaged me for life, by leading me to have unrealistic expectations of what bosses should be like. He was a human being for a start, humorous and generous, and although from time to time he did have to lay the law down, you always felt like he didn't want to have to do it. Almost like it pained him to do so. He was encouraging and supportive and helped me quickly progress from volunteering to an actual paid job. He virtually found a job for me where there wasn't one and gave me opportunities to develop my skills in all areas of the business... although looking back, I could have made more of those opportunities.

He wore a suit which was slightly too big for him and had huge square spectacles which made him very easy to cartoon. He had an unusual voice for radio which was often mimicked by the staff (myself included) but he indulged us. He wore bright red, patent leather boots, and if anyone ever asked him about them, he replied...

"The suit says 'management'... the shoes say ROCK 'n' ROLL!"

On occasion, I would co-present shows with him. I did this with a variety of jocks during my first few years: we'll get onto that. He played it mostly straight, I went for the sarcastic retorts. (Yes, I was Sidekick Simon.) He used to make out that he thought I was going to take a joke too far, get worried, fade me out in case I said something I shouldn't. I'd play up to that. An example: one time, I was complaining on air about another driver who'd cut me up on the way to work. I made out like I was going to read out the guy's registration number on air. The boss feigned panic and started the next record. It was a good routine.

I remember one time I was co-presenting a late show with him and he'd come up with a suitably banal phone-in competition called 'What's In My Brain'. It was very Partridge, long before Partridge was a thing, but knowingly so. He gave cryptic clues and people had to call in and guess what he was thinking about. The prizes were shit. A key-ring, a CD you'd never heard of from the chuck-out box, a car sticker. The switchboard glowed red hot. People liked that sort of thing back then. It was cheesy, but it was real. Nothing slick. The only clue I remember was something about 'Is there gas in my car?' I didn't get it myself at the time. Neither did many of the listeners. Kid Charlemagne hadn't even been a hit... 15 years earlier. Was it even a single in the UK? Somebody guessed it pretty quick though and we moved on to the next question.

14. Steely Dan - FM (No Static At All) 

When I started in radio, FM was still quite a big deal. A lot of people still called it VHF, and a lot of listeners still tuned in on Medium Wave (A.M.). But that would change very quickly. FM was taking over and radio was changing with it... 

I've never seen the movie FM, which Steely Dan wrote this track for. I'd like to, because it sounds right up my street: a bunch of rebel DJs fighting the sales people who want to turn radio commercial. Just like Rex Bob Lowenstein who started this series off. It's a theme I will return to again and again and again...
Worry the bottle Mamma, it's grapefruit wine
Kick off your high heel sneakers, it's party time
The girls don't seem to care what's on
As long as it plays till dawn
Nothin' but blues and Elvis
And somebody else's favorite song...

Sunday, 6 August 2017

My Top Ten Goodbye Songs (WYCRA Tribute)

There was an excellent response to my requests for songs called Goodbye as a tribute to the late WYCRA blog. To remind you, the rules were simple... all you had to do was come up with songs called Goodbye.

Oh, by the way, I've abritrarily changed the scoring system...
1 point for every one of my songs you identify.

2 points for being the first to identify a song.

3 points if you can guess a song's position in my Top Ten.

1 bonus point if you suggest a song that's better than one in my Top Ten.
Clear? (As mud.)

Let's start with the elephant in the room, shall we? Goodbye-ee by Peter Cook & Dudley Moore. Being a little bit younger than many of you (sorry), I wasn't familiar with this at all. In fact, when it was suggested - by The Swede, Martin and C - I actually thought the Goodbye-ee in question must be this one. Anyway, I apologise for not having been born when Pete & Dud were on TV. You can all have a point for your advancing years.

Quite a few of you also thought Mary Hopkin might make the grade. I didn't have that in my collection but vaguely remembered it when I gave it a listen. A jaunty enough 60's tune... with the aloft thumbprint of Macca all over it. Can't say I preferred it to any of my Ten though. A bit too jaunty. I will give The Swede a point for suggesting Macca's demo version because - somewhat surprisingly - I found that quite nice.

Next... The Spice Girls? How many of you suggested the bleeding Spice Girls? Really? What is this, Smash Hits? I'm sorry, I know my record collection has some very bizarre corners, but there is no Spice Girls. Even I draw the line somewhere. 

The Swede also wondered if Shed Seven would be there. They came close, but it wasn't one of their most memorable efforts in my humble opinion. (Still better than anything Oasis ever did.) I'll give The Swede an extra point for The Universe though, which I was rather taken with. Couldn't find a properly recorded version of Jon Rae & The River, so I'm on the fence about that. As for Kevin Shields' instrumental Goodbye from Lost In Translation... nice and atmospheric, but instrumentals have to work very hard to get on one of my charts.

C trawled the interweb to come up with Miley Cyrus (now if it was Billy Ray, you might have been in with a chance, C: Billy Ray was a guest voice on Blaze & The Monster Machines the other day... so good to see him still getting work), Avril Lavigne (who's obviously working for Anne Summers now if the video is anything to go by), Alicia Keys and MØ. Obviously you think I'm a 16 year old girl, C, rather than a 45 year old boy. Still, you can have a point for each of those purely because they were all better than The Spice Girls. Alyson can have a point for Avril Lavigne too because I don't want anyone to go away pointless.

Other decent-ish suggestions came thick and fast... but no points for The Pretenders (from the soundtrack of G.I. Jane!) or Northern Uproar (a Northern Uproar b-side: you don't hear those every day). Sadly, I couldn't find Walter's Tracy Chapman offering anywhere on youtube, but I'm sure it's lovely. You can have a point for suggesting something I couldn't find, Walter.

Thanks all for taking part... though you only managed to guess half my Top Ten in the end...

10. The Psychedelic Furs - Goodbye

Nobody suggested this. You must all just be Pretty In Pinkers. Even if you're only familiar with that track and nothing else by the Furs though, this is unmistakably them.

9. Drive-By Truckers - Goodbye

Another one nobody guessed. Maybe I should have awarded myself a point for every one you didn't get.

8. Frank Sinatra - Goodbye (She Quietly Says)

I'm going to give Martin a point for Frank Sinatra, even though he went for this Goodbye, a completely different song, and one that's definitely better recorded. I prefer the lyrics of this one though, with Frank enjoying a coffee and a slice of cheesecake while gets the elbow.

7. Mansun - Goodbye

No fans of Mansun's third and final album out there? Shame.

6. Elton John - Goodbye

Well done to Martin again, who wins 2 points for Elton (I'm sure he'll be so proud). Madman Across The Water is my favourite album by Reg.

A late entry from George gets him a point for this too. 

I will also give Martin a point for having the gall to suggest Def Leppard. I wasn't familiar with that one. It's hardly in the same league as Let's Get Rocked.

And I'll give him two points for Air Supply, because he'll never live that down. 

5. Steve Earle - Goodbye

Well done to Charity Chic for guessing this one. 2 points. An extra point for suggesting Mary Gauthier - I didn't know that one from Mary, but it's rather lovely.

4. The Coral - Goodbye

One of their less-ramshackle offerings; sounds nice.

The Swede gets 2 points for being first to suggest this. Martin can have a point for it too.

3. The Czars - Goodbye 

Before John Grant was John Grant, he was The Czars. Not quite as good as anything he's done as John Grant... but still pretty great.
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
I love to see you fade and die
I love to see you kicking, screaming
As you try to reach the sky and die
2. The Sundays - Goodbye

2 points to Chris for being the first to suggest this. Three points each to The Swede and Martin who both predicted it would be Number 2. Bloody good going, even though you were wrong about my Number One.

(Harriet Wheeler. Sigh.) 

1. Billy Bragg - Goodbye Goodbye

You may recall that the WYCRA guys would, on occasion, allow the inclusion of a song which repeated their requested word. In their honour - and because it's Billy Bragg - I had to follow their guidance.

Following the same rules, I may have found room for The Swede's suggestion of Gudbuy Gudbuy, but Noddy Holder's spelling always keeps him behind after my class.

Brian can have a point for suggesting Oingo Boingo's Goodbye Goodbye though... because it's Oingo Boingo. Brian had some other great suggestions too, but soon realised he wasn't following the rules so said Goodbye.

Points? Maths never was my strong point, but I think...

Brian - 1 point
Walter - 1 point
Alyson - 1 point
George - 1 point
Chris - 2 points
Charity Chic - 3 points
C - 5 points
The Swede - 8 points
Martin - 11 points

Congratulations to Martin then, who wins my undying admiration. I really enjoyed doing this, and thank you all for taking part. It did bring home to me just how much time such a feature takes to put together though: more credit then to WYCRA and Jez who have both done such things on a regular basis. If I ever did anything like it again... and I am rather tempted, because everyone seems to enjoy playing along at home... I'd have to make it a monthly feature. Weekly would kill me.

Friday, 4 August 2017

My Top Ten 'When I Am King...' Songs

You could argue, of course, that pop stars already live like kings and queens, so the fact that they're always whinging about what they'd do if they had even more power and wealth is somewhat ironic. But what do we know? Peasants and commoners like us will never understand the woes of the rich and famous. (My humblest apologies if you are either rich or famous and still reading this. Please don't have me beheaded for my disrespect.)

Anyway, here's ten of the buggers to tell us about their kingly dreams...

10. Joe Walsh - Fun
Well, if I was king I'd sign a proclamation
And if I was president I'd pass a law
And I'd call for a full-blown Senate investigation
Of everyone who wasn't having fun
Joe Walsh did actually run for president in 1980, promising to make Life's Been Good the American national anthem and that he'd give free gas to everyone. Reagan still won by a landslide.

9. Marillion - Lavender

When Fish is king, dilly, dilly...

I haven't been able to take this seriously since Julia Davis danced to it in Nighty Night.

While we're in the 80s, I'd like to give a shout out to UB40 - Kingston Town...
And when I am king,
surely I would need a queen
And a palace and everything, yeah
And now I am king,
And my queen will come at dawn
She'll be waiting in Kingston Town
...and The Thompson Twins - King For A Day. (Tom would give it all away.)

And, though not actually from the 80s, really sounding like they should be: Steel Panther - If I Was The King... I think you might call that one NSFW, though I'm reliably informed it's a parody, they don't really think like that...

8. Great Big Sea - When I Am King

Great Big Sea are described by the interweb as a "Canadian folk-rock band" which makes me think of The Levellers with a maple leaf. So imagine my surprise when I discover they sound like Smash Mouth and The Offspring. Still, nice sentiment...
Well, the war's been won
All the fights are fought
You find yourself in just the spot
It's a place where everybody's got a song to sing
Just like the final movie scene
The prince will find his perfect queen
The hero always saves the world
The villains get what they deserve
The boy will always get the girl
When I am king
Also from the Charity Shop Roulette pile, and sounding not entirely dissimilar... Forever The Sickest Kids - King For A Day.

7. Three Dog Night - Joy To The World
If I were the king of the world
Tell you what I'd do
I'd throw away the cars and the bars and the war
Make sweet love to you
Well, that's very nice of you, Chuck, but I think I'll pass.

(Three Dog Night had about 300 lead singers. Chuck Negron sung this one. It was written by the mighty Hoyt Axton. That's all you need to know.)

6. XTC - King For A Day

Leave it to Colin ('cos he wrote this one: I did check, just for JC) and Andy to bring us back down to earth...

I have a feeling that when these guys are kings, there won't be any kings anymore.
Well the way that we're living,
Is all take and no giving,
There's nothing to believe in,
The loudest mouth will hail the new found way,
To be king for a day
Similar party pooping sentiments come from Tom Petty - It's Good To Be King.

5. Weezer - King of the World

If Rivers Cuomo was king of the world, we'd all be able to ride a greyhound all the way to the Galapagos and stay for the rest of our lives. Which would be nice.
We are the small fish
We swim together
No Prozac or Valium
We’ll face tsunamis together
4. Gene - We Could Be Kings

Sadly, this planet never was theirs: but it really should have been with songs as good as this.

3. The Magnetic Fields - '80: London By Jetpack

Another one from Stephin Merritt's mighty 50 Song Memoir, which I'm still enjoying the hell out of even though I'm only on disc 2. I'll have to feature some more songs from this disc soon as it's a cracker. Anyhoo...
When I am monarch of the world
Weighed down by matters weighty
I'll live in London once more
And decree it's 1980
That all may dress as Pierrots
And pirates, like their king
And all will have jetpacks
From club to club we'll go zooming

At the club with no name
We'll dance again
Vivienne Westwood
Will be my queen
2. Neil Diamond - I Am, I Said

Did you ever read about a frog who dreamed of being a king... and then became one?

Turns out that frog was Neil. And what did he do with his kingly success?

Go into therapy... and write one of his very best songs while he was there.

1. Radiohead - Paranoid Android

Radiohead's Bohemian Rhapsody. When Thom Yorke is king, we'll all be first against the wall...

As you may have noticed, I couldn't find any songs about what Joni Mitchell, Kate Bush or Annie Lennox would do if they were queen for the day*. Hmm... I wonder what that tells us...

(*I am, however, happy for you to suggest them.)

What would you do if you were king / queen for a day?

Wednesday, 2 August 2017

My Top ∞ Radio Songs #13: How To Get A Job In Radio Part 2

I was still in school when I wrote the letters and drew the comic strips that would eventually lead to my first job in radio. I corresponded with a number of the jocks on the station at the time, but the one who tended to read out my letters the most was the afternoon presenter, who I soon discovered was also the programme controller. Perhaps being the boss meant he had even less time for show prep than the rest of his team... or perhaps he saw something in those nascent ramblings that made him think I had potential.

Eventually, I got up the nerve to ask him the big question: how do I get a job in radio? His response was two-fold: first, the obvious tip about trying hospital radio as a way of practising / honing my presentational skills; second... volunteer. Local radio stations back then were mostly struggling enterprises (hell, a lot of them still are today) and beyond the skeleton staff that ran the place, they often brought in volunteers to help out. It was a good foot in the door and many people, including some of the DJs working there, had started out that way.

The next part of his response floored me though. Because, as luck would have it, one of the station's current volunteers was about to leave to go off to university. Did I want to come in for a chat?

At 16, this was my very first job interview. I'd managed to escape without even a paper round until then. Although I would have earned more money on a paper round...

I don't remember much about the interview. I guess my mum drove me there: she did the same every Saturday morning once I started the job, until I got my driver's license. Which was pretty good of her considering the station was a good 40 minutes from home and I had to be there for 8.30. I have a vague recollection of asking my dad to borrow a suit, since I didn't own one, and him suggesting his demob suit from when he finished National Service 30 years earlier. I didn't take him up on the offer.

I turned up. They showed me round the station. I met the boss and some of the others I'd been writing to for months. It wasn't anywhere near as glamorous as it had seemed in my head. Scruffy basement offices. Egg-box soundproofing. Wires and Heath Robinson contraptions everywhere I looked. Old typewriters in the news room. The most exotic-looking technology: reel to reel and 8 track cartridges! A library full of vinyl, with a few shelves of CDs. And the smell... mostly fusty. But we'll get back to the smell another time. In Bradford, it depends which way the wind is blowing.

There wasn't a big interview. There wasn't a line of candidates begging for the job. It was pretty much: are you free on a Saturday morning, can you answer the telephone and make coffee? Can you start this week...?

13. Hall & Oates - Portable Radio

I love this disco-flavoured Hall & Oates nugget from 1979, because it reminds me of what radio used to be like. What it was like when I first set foot in those dingy offices back in 1988: what it stopped being soon after. It's kinda cheesy and amateurish, especially compared to the slick, soulful sounds H&O would become famous for in the 80s. It's fun. It doesn't take itself too seriously. Even the lyrics reflect a bygone era: far simpler times. Imagine... a portable radio! Battery operated! So you don't even have to plug it in! Cutting edge or what...

Well, I don't want to hear no static
And I don't want to hear no jaw
Put them platters on automatic
I cannot get enough
You got to give me more and more
Play some soul for the congregation
Rock n' roll for the kids next door
Charge up your batteries across the nation
Viva la portable radio!

Sunday, 30 July 2017

WYCRA Tribute Top Ten: Goodbye

As many of you will know, the blogging firmament shines a little less brightly this weekend after the combined talents behind the excellent When You Can't Remember Anything made the decision to hang up their hats last week. JC, the Blogfather, has the full story here.

While I fully respect the reasons Badger, SWC and KC decided to call it a day, I'll still miss their blog a lot... and I was a pretty recent convert, so I imagine those of you who have been following their adventures for longer will be even more devastated.

Anyway, I threw out an idle suggestion in the comments of my own last post and C encouraged me to run with it (so blame her for this, not me). My favourite WYCRA feature, and one of the few blog posts that ever caused me to get out of bed earlier on a weekend, was The Saturday Song Challenge. Here, the guys would select a word (usually one word, occasionally a phrase) and encourage people to suggest songs with that exact title. Then they'd give out points to the best guesses, both from the five they'd pre-selected and for any new ones they liked the sound of. To be fair, the scoring system all got a bit crazy, and the comments section became a competitive free-for-all, but it was one of the most fun series in the blogosphere... at least until Jez resurrects The Chain.

So, in tribute, I thought I'd do something similar. Just as a one off. And as it would be way too disrespectful to steal the WYCRA idea outright, I've adapted it slightly.

And so, I present to you... My Top Ten Goodbye Songs...











No, I haven't forgotten to fill in the titles and artists. I want you to do that. I have a list, and I will give out points. In a crazy, ramshackle way I'm sure the WYCRA people would appreciate.

1 point for every one of my songs you identify.

2 points if you can guess a song's position in my Top Ten.

1 bonus point if you suggest a song that's better than one in my Top Ten.

The only rule is, it's got to be called Goodbye... and nothing else. So no Goodbye To Love, Hello Goodbye or Goodbye Girl. Just Goodbye.


Friday, 28 July 2017

My Top Ten Punctuation Songs

Following on from my grammar pedantry Top Ten, here's ten songs celebrating the wonders of punctuation.

Special mentions to Question Mark & The Mysterians, Slash, The Parenthetical Girls and !!! (which is a contender for worst band name ever: how do you even pronounce that?).

10. Discount - Apostrophe

Floridas own Discount. Sorry, I meant Florida's.

Being an English teacher, getting people to use the possessive apostrophe is the bane of my life.

9. The Wombats - Sex & Question Marks

Sex is one big question mark to me too.

Fans of the most inquisitive form of punctuation might also enjoy The Fuzztones - Look For The Question Mark.

8. Wire - Dot Dash

Wire use punctuation as Morse Code. Don't crash!

7. The Beat - Ranking Full Stop

Ranking Roger loved his Full Stops from the very first Beat single, of which this was double-A side with their more-played version of Tears of a Clown. The final full stop comes right at the end of the song though...

6. Spearmint - Punctuation

Today, class, Shirley won't just be teaching us about punctuation... but alliteration too!
Helps you hide inside your head 
Typewriter taps: use it as punctuation 
To escape every grey degrading day of your life
5. The Libertines - Up The Bracket

Pete and Carl in parenthesis. (Pair of annoying chancers?)

4. Thea Gilmore - Punctuation

In legal documents and religious texts, punctuation is all-important. Thea proves that here... 
‘Cause you see, I’ve got this theory that it’s only punctuation
That separates the list from you to me
And you can have your little war of full stops and meritings
But the real power’s in parentheses
3. Amanda Palmer - Ampersand
The ghetto boys are catcalling me
As I pull my keys from my pocket
I wonder if this method of courtship
Has ever been effective
Has any girl in history said
Sure, you seem so nice, let's get it on
Still, I always shock them when I answer
Hi my name's Amanda
And I'm not gonna live my life on one side of an ampersand
Wonder what Neil Gaiman makes of that philosophy? (Let's not ask him, his answers tend to go on for years without end, like his stories.)

2. Vampire Weekend - Oxford Comma

So the Oxford Comma, if you don't know, is the optional comma you may sometimes use before the 'and' at the end of a list. Used properly, it can avoid confusion and comedy...

Vampire Weekend though, they don't give an f-bomb about it. Philistines.

1. Dan Baird - I Love You, Period

Top single from the former Georgia Satellite in which Dan's affair with his English teacher is curtailed by bad punctuation...

That's the problem with English teachers.They let pedantry get in the way of romance.

Question mark? Exclamation mark!

Tuesday, 25 July 2017

My Top ∞ Radio Songs #12: How To Get A Job In Radio

So how do you get a job in radio?

I've no idea how you'd do it nowadays. Thirty years ago though, the main route was via hospital radio. I did do some of that, and I'll talk about it another time, but it came AFTER I started working in the actual radio station where I'd spend a good 23 years of my life.

So how did I get that job? Ironically, since it was my preferred career choice, I got the radio job by being a writer!

From listening to local radio, I'd noticed that the DJs often read out amusing letters from listeners (some of them regular contributors), and as I had experience of letter-writing from the world of comics (pick up a stack of 80's Marvel or DC back issues, check their letter columns... eventually you'll find my name), I decided to have a go at getting my words read out on air. It turned out to be a doddle.

There was good reason for this. Most jocks of the time were desperate for link fodder. After they'd read the day's showbiz gossip and celebrity birthdays from the Daily Star*, they'd grab at any half-witty wittering that came their way... hell, it was better than having to think up anything funny for themselves.**

Eventually I got my name known as the guy who wrote those funny letters, a regular contributor, a loyal listener. In return I'd get a few requests played***, and win a few cheapo competitions - promo singles mostly, by the likes of The Rah Band, Tiffany and Status Quo.****

Around this time, I'd been using my comic book abilities at school, doing short cartoons about friends and teachers. I wasn't a brilliant artist by any stretch, but the stories and gags were mostly well received. (A friend, who was a much better artist than I, but not as good a writer, started doing his own strip too. I took my bat home. It never occurred to me that we might team up. My teenage ego wouldn't allow it.) It was only a matter of time before I transferred these skills to my budding radio career. Obviously, the strips couldn't be read out on air, but I'd moved past the excitement of hearing my name on the radio by now, and onto the next stage of my grand plan. I got hold of a set of presenter photo cards, worked up some crude caricatures, and began sending in comic strip adventures based on the people who worked at the station. These were also well-received - though god knows why, because they were bloody awful. 

Then, at the end of Fifth Year in school, those of us staying on as Sixth Formers were told we'd have to arrange a regular Work Experience posting to coincide with our 'A' Level studies. Having laid the foundations over the last few months, I wrote to the radio station and asked if there was a chance of me doing Work Experience there. A few weeks later, I was offered a job (unpaid, naturally!) answering the phones and making tea on their popular Saturday morning show, 9 til noon, with the presenter who made that Roy Orbison gag I mentioned a couple of weeks back. (Shortly afterwards, a new jock started in the slot before us, a young man named Culshaw who was noted for his celebrity impressions. He still is.)

It was August 1988, and writing had helped me get my first job in radio. But it was only going to be a temporary thing. Just until my proper writing career took off...

12. Edwin Starr - H.A.P.P.Y. Radio

Edwin Starr's disco classic seems most appropriate here since I was never happier at work than during those first couple of years in radio. Of course, I was also chock miserable too because I was a teenager and I was me. But good memories are much stronger than bad ones. Good job too, I reckon.

*I recently discovered a diary I kept late 80's, in preparation for my future career, packed full of celebrity birthdays... ah, the days before the internet!

**Back in those days, most jocks arrived in the studio with a tub full of home-made jingles and sfx on cart, a stack of scratchy LPs, and two or three old Tom O'Connor or Frank Carson joke books they'd picked up from the Oxfam shop. Some even wrote dates next to the jokes, so they knew when they'd last used them on air, and when it'd be safe to use them again.

***My Top 3, played one afternoon circa 1987... Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody, Yes - Owner Of A Lonely Heart, and... I can't remember the third, but it would most likely have been either The Isley Brothers - This Old Heart Of Mine (Is Weak For You), The Real Thing - You To Me Are Everything, or Huey Lewis & The News - The Power Of Love. What a young romantic!

****I soon found out how easy it was to win on-air competitions - particularly write-in ones... entries rarely reached double figures.

Saturday, 22 July 2017

My Top Ten Songs With Balls

My good friend Rob Wells has just had his first graphic novel published by Little Brown. It tells the uncomfortably hilarious story of his longtime fight with a variety of embarrassing ailments, and his struggle to find a member of the medical profession who would a) take him seriously and b) sort them out. It's a hugely entertaining read for anyone who's ever had an embarrassing illness and anyone who's ever tried in vain to find a sympathetic doctor. Or anyone who enjoys a witty tale about men's bits malfunctioning... and let's face it, who doesn't want to read that? (Squirm.) I'm really excited and pleased for Rob, having watched the project develop over a couple of years, seeing it accepted by a publisher, and finally getting my hands on a printed copy.

Here's the link to the book on Amazon. Other retailers will, I'm sure, be stocking it too.

In tribute, here are ten songs with balls...

10. Isaac Hayes (Chef) - Chocolate Salty Balls


You had to be there.

9. W.A.S.P. - Dirty Balls

I'll play this one especially for Rob, since I know he's quite the metalhead. I, of course, couldn't ever approve of such things.

(I'm lying: this is in my record collection.)

8. Bob Wills & His Texas Playboys - Big Balls In Cowtown

Take your partner by the hand...

I said HAND! Jeez...

7. The Broken Family Band - The Booze & The Drugs

From the album Balls. How long you gonna be in the bathroom, baby?

6. AC/DC - Big Balls

See also She's Got Balls and Got You By The Balls. Notice any pattern here?

Will Oldham does a pretty cool tribute to all this nonsense too.

5. Love - Coloured Balls Falling

The shortest song on Love's eponymous debut album (but only one of them scraped past 3 minutes). As with most Arthur Lee songs, I have no idea what it's about. I suspect chemical assistance might be required...

I suspect this song might have also given its name to 70s Aussie rockers The Coloured Balls, but the interweb appears unable to confirm that for me.  

4. Elizabeth Cook - Sometimes It Takes Balls To Be A Woman

Feminist country anthem. Dolly and Tammy would be proud.

3. Pulp - Can I Have My Balls Back, Please?

Poor old Jarvis. How can he be a man now...?
So I went to New York City to see a doctor thinking maybe that he..
Would understand the state I was in.
He said: "I'd dearly love to help you son,
but you see the same thing's happened to me."
So now I'm home and I'm asking you just once more.

Oh can I have my balls back, please?
Can I have my balls back, please?
How am I gonna get through my life if you don't return them to me?
2. Amy Rigby - Balls

It appears that Amy Rigby can't help falling for bad boys. (Wonder if that's why she ended up with Wreckless Eric.)
You've got a lot of nerve to be calling here
But I love your nerve
You've got a lot of gall, you don't even care
About me at all
You've got a lot of balls, you don't even care

Wish I could grow a pair...
1. Jerry Lee Lewis - Great Balls Of Fire

60 years old. Still as fresh and powerful as it ever was. Anyone who says the piano isn't a rock instrument hasn't ever listened to The Killer.

Next week: My Top Ten Enema Songs.

Or maybe not...

Friday, 14 July 2017

My Top Ten 5pm Songs

From 5 am to 5 pm. Let's blow this joint!

10. David Bowie - 5.15 The Angels Have Gone

Heathen isn't Dave's finest hour, but there are some pretty head-scratchingly intriguing songs on there. This is one of them.

9. Astrid - 5 O'Clock

What happens when you're already drunk by five o'clock: you start listening to Astrid.

8. Gang Of Four - 5.45

In which Jon King gets rather upset by the evening news...
How can I sit and eat my tea,
with all that blood flowing from the television?
At a quarter to six,
I watch the news,
Eating, eating all my food
As I sit watching the red spot
In the egg which looks like
All the blood you don`t see on the television.
7. Dolly Parton - 9 To 5

They just use your mind and never give you credit. Sound familiar?

See also The Kinks - Nine To Five

6. The Who - 5.15

Pete & Rog get out of their brain on the train home. Why should I care, why should I care?

5. Chris Isaak - 5:15

A controversial choice, putting this one ahead of The Who, but man... this recording is audio perfection.

4. The Supremes - 5.30 Plane

Post-Diana, Motown drafted in Jimmy Webb to work with The Supremes. Although the resulting album didn't set the charts alight, it contains some absolute gems. Let's face it: it's The Supremes and JIMMY WEBB. What's not to love?
How long have we been waiting for the light to change?
Long enough to know that green is dubious
Long enough to know that there's no sense to us
And the line is pretty long, yeah
Your starter for ten: name another song which features the word 'dubious' in its lyrics. (It is possible.)

3. Alan Jackson & Jimmy Buffet - It's Five O'Clock Somewhere

I think I covered this one well enough in my last post. However, in retrospect, the song below might have been even more appropriate for that story...

2. The Jam - (Just Who Is) The Five O'Clock Hero?

This is one of those Jam singles that I always forget... and forget how good it is.
From this window I've seen the whole world pass
From dawn to dusk I've heard the last laugh laughed
I've seen enough tears to wash away this street
I've heard wedding bells chime and a funeral march

When as one life finishes another one starts...

Alright then, love, so I'll be off now
It's back to the lunchbox and worker / management rows
There's gotta be more to this old life than this
Scrimping and saving and crossing off lists...
1. Julian Cope  - 5 O'Clock World

Originally recorded in 1965 by The Vogues and covered by any number of people since (The Proclaimers, Hal Ketchum, Bowling For Soup, David McCallum... sadly I can't find that last one online, so please help me out if you have it). However, it's Lord Julian of Cope who gives the definitive reading, rewriting the lyrics to include 80's nuclear war paranoia and mixing in a little Petula Clark along the way.


Which one would you take home after work?

Tuesday, 11 July 2017

RE-ENTRY: It's Five O'Clock Nowhere

Here's a quick story for you. I know I usually only do these once a month, but it seems most appropriate to post this now because it forms the perfect bridge between my last post, My Top Ten Five a.m. Songs and the next one... My Top Ten Five p.m. Songs. Its title was based on one of the songs in that countdown... well, this one:

Alan Jackson & Jimmy Buffet - It's Five O'Clock Somewhere

I love this song, even though I'm not the biggest Alan Jackson fan. A bit too Stetson-country, even for me, usually. But this is a great working man's hymn, made one hundred times better by the arrival of slacker king and Florida-country icon Jimmy Buffet. If you're one of those people who sits in the office all day waiting for the hands of the clock to hit five... or five thirty... this is the song for you.

What would Jimmy Buffet do?

It's Five O'Clock Nowhere

Sometimes it felt like even the second hand was fighting a losing battle. Karl spent much of his working day scrutinising the clock on the wall opposite his desk, and the more he watched it, the more it seemed like every single tick was a struggle against the inevitable, some wild Canutian battle to continue the forward progress of time when all around them – the clock, and Karl - everything else was trapped in amber.

Now every day was indistinguishable from the ones that surrounded it. The same unremitting routine. For Karl, it always began with email. Five minutes for work (he deleted many of the office memos without reading them, he’d been here long enough now to have read them all before), at least half an hour for his own private hotmail account. A few games of solitaire to get him in the mood, then, if he really felt like it, he might breeze through a couple of reports. He took regular breaks to check certain websites, monitor his eBay bidding, and to see if anyone new had poked him on Facebook, then went for a stroll around the building on the pretext of doing some photocopying or delivering a wrongly sorted item of mail or retrieving an important document from the archive room in the basement. He liked it down there in the archives, though the building work that was going on in adjacent rooms meant it wasn’t as peaceful as it’d once been. Still, he liked the snowflake pattern on the grill outside the windows, and how, if he got up on a box, he could stare out into the street, a feet-level view of the carefree world beyond. He liked to watch the people and wonder why they weren’t in work. Disregarding the kids, pensioners, and housewives, many of the passers-by remained unaccounted for. Deliverymen, council workers, window cleaners – people whose jobs involved moving about the city from one place to another – they made up another percentage, sure, but still not enough to answer for all of them. Some of them, Karl realised, just didn’t have an excuse. They were free, and that was all. Independently wealthy or dole-sponging layabouts, they were one and the same in Karl’s mind. The lucky ones.

After lunch (eaten at his desk because Head Office frowned on employees leaving the building in their lunch hour: what if there was a rush and no-one was around to deal with it?), Karl’s afternoon began with a brief spate of internal correspondence (some of it work-related, much of that deleted unopened, though mostly it was gossip, and the forwarded jokes, pictures and film clips that his colleagues had chanced upon over their sandwiches) before he set into the internet proper. He usually left his favourite worksafe websites ‘til the afternoon sag, the longest part of the day, when Karl needed all the distraction he could get. But even after scanning through all his various bookmarks – news sites, shops, blogs and games; even after downloading and burning another CD’s worth of not-strictly-legal mp3s he’d probably never get time to listen to; even after voting for all the new Hot Or Not girls and wondering for the five hundred and seventy fifth consecutive workday just why the plainer ones put themselves up for it (though he did always take this into account when voting, marking up the mooses, and downgrading the dolly birds)… even after all that: by 3pm, he still hit the flats. 

The flats were when Karl had exhausted every possible diversion the office had to offer, but there were still two hours left to kill. By this point in the afternoon his biorhythms and blood sugar were low, his exasperation and listlessness were high, and if Karl wasn’t careful, moribundity could set in. Sometimes, if absolutely necessary, he’d do a little work to distract himself. Take his mind off the incessant stain of his life, the chronic howl of it all. Other times, if there wasn’t any work that couldn’t be put off, he’d go back down to the archive room and stare out into the street. Wish himself out there, among the foot-loose and fancy-free. A man of means, or a man of no means. From this point in the afternoon, either seemed an occupation devoutly to be wished for. 

By four, he’d be back at his desk – and that was when the serious clock-watching began. With only an hour to go, the atmosphere in the office changed to an unusual mix of electricity and ennui. Postures slumped, eyes drooped then blinked violently alert, but conversations turned to the evening ahead. The drinks, the friends, the bars, the lovers. Films and music and life. Release. By ten to the hour, Karl had his things packed and ready. His final emails sent and websites browsed, he powered down his computer and made ready for escape. This part of the day always reminded him of being back at school, of waiting for the bell that launched everybody from their desks and spewed them out into reality. The tougher teachers always made you wait. Made you sit back down ‘til they’d finished their sentence, checked that you understood the homework, drew out your pain as far as their power could reach. But there were no teachers here, and middle management was just as eager to blow this joint come five o’clock as everybody else. Most days, they were the first ones out the door and into the carpark (unless somebody from Head Office was visiting, in which case they’d mock up devotion and switch on their desk lamps like there was a long night ahead).

Then finally, the silent bell rang. The notional whistle blew. And for a few short hours, this irrelevant enterprise relinquished its hold upon them. Time was no longer for frittering: it was for filling. That most of them went straight home and zombied in front of a flickering box was not the issue - the issue was that had they so wished it, they could have done or gone or been anything else they pleased. At least until the second hand (cracked from its amber, getting only green lights ‘til dawn)
double-quicked back to the 9am capture, where it all started over again. Until then, they were free.

And then one Monday, on the twenty-third of a month like most others, something changed. Karl noticed it first around lunchtime (potted beef, Monster Munch, and a can of Diet Pepsi from the machine), a hiccough in the daily routine of his workmates that became ever more pronounced as the afternoon went on. He tried to distract himself with the usual medley of myspace and minesweeper, but by three o’clock he could feel it in his guts and his water and his chest, in a heartburn those chalky pocket Rennies couldn’t assuage and an urgency in his bladder that usually only came in the middle of the night, when sleep was disturbed by apprehension of the coming grind. Something was different, and by correlation, something was wrong. Four o’clock came and by now it was unquestionable, though part of him was too scared to ask. Part of him didn’t want to know. Why everyone was behaving so strangely, like it was still 10am or 2pm, not nearly 5. Why today there was no late afternoon buzz, no pre-release expectancy, no excitement at all. The electric was off, and the whole place was running on emergency generators only.

Then finally it happened. Or rather, it didn’t. Five o’clock came and nobody moved. Karl, who’d been ready to spring for the last half hour, picked up his things and looked around the office. Still nobody moved. Mice clicked and eyes stared and feet shuffled and everything maintained. Karl didn’t understand. He tapped his watch, but it told the same story as the clock across from his desk, and he’d been watching that tick (like a lame man wading through mud) through the hour. It couldn’t have stopped. He didn’t understand. But neither did he care. He had places to go, even if they didn’t. He had people to see, he had—

“Where’re you going?” asked Lena, looking up from her Mah-jong with a curious pout.

“It’s five,” said Karl, with a tone that added, ‘where do you think I’m going’.

“What?” said Lena. “Didn’t you get the memo? Don’t you watch the news?”

And so she explained it. The new company policy. “In line with recent government legislation, to help make us a more competitive force in the international marketplace post-Brexit, and stave off the tide of outsourcing that’s driving so much of our industry and so many of our jobs overseas, Head Office has instituted a new twenty-four hour working day, commencing this morning at 9am. They’re calculating a projected increase in productivity across the week of… I think they said twenty-five per cent. I can’t quite remember now. God, Karl, where have you been?”

“But, that’s… We can’t… I mean, when do we sleep?”

“Well, obviously, that’s been taken into account. If you need more than a catnap at your desk, the company’s provided us with a comfortable new dormitory in the basement. Though they are asking us to sign up to a rota so that everybody isn’t trying to get in there at the same time – surely you got that email?”


“Look, if you don’t like it, you’re allowed to opt for voluntary redundancy if you so… Go and take it up with Michael from HR. Just… I’m very busy!”

Karl left her to her Mah-jong and returned to his desk. He switched his computer back on and waited for it to boot up. He couldn’t just quit – how would he pay off his mortgage? His car? His three grand overdraft and five grand credit cards? Getting another job wouldn’t be that easy. Not one as relaxed as this, with as much freedom to do as he pleased, with no-one breathing down his neck, without the pressure of deadlines and paperwork and… well, work. Sometimes it takes the threat of losing it to make you realise how much of a good thing you’ve got going.

Back down in the archives, after filling in his name on the dormitory rota, Karl climbed up on a box and stared out into the world. Late evening sunlight fell through the grill, the pattern of the snowflakes warming his skin. And though it was almost six o’clock, the street wasn’t any busier now than it had been at eleven, or three. The rush hour was off. People just carried on about their day as though the clock no longer held any dominion over them. And in that respect, at least, now Karl was just as free as everybody else.

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